When it ends

When relationships, friendships, love, actual love, ends...
it never ever just ends.
There are so many emotions, what ifs, lingering thoughts, feelings, ties.
There are literal ties to the person(s) and your history together.
There are too many emotions, nothing is ever a clean break.

Too many things bring it all back,
like a memory, a song, a drive, or a dream.
There is too much in our past to make it completely go away.
And I have to always ask myself if I want it all to go away.
Because there are times when my memories keep me warm, and you were a part of that.

And when it really ends, closure isn't as easy as it sounds.
The grieving/loss/mourning that needs to happen is relentless.
And then you hope that somehow your heart will fix all the broken, that time will once again make things feel okay.

I go back and forth between
- getting so mad at myself for missing parts of my history
- embracing the fact that true love was shared so of course I want to honor the past.

I go back and forth between
- why can't I let you go forever
- I never want to lose what you meant to me.

I go back and forth between
- why am I always the only one hanging on
- isn't it obvious why?

In a heartbeat, a story and a life can change.
What was once your forever and always can become so painfully a thing of your past.
At least that's how I feel about it.

I often wonder how you will move on from heartbreak.
I can take a guess that one of you will get mad instead of sad, because feeling sad makes you angry.
I can take a guess that the other will crumble and ask all of the questions and second guess your every move.
I can take a guess that one of you won't be treated disrespectfully for even one minute.
I can take a guess that the other will keep holding on hoping it will eventually fix itself.

I hope you both find a middle ground but most importantly, I hope you both feel and understand loss.
It means your heart loved and that's okay.
It means that you allowed your heart to take a chance and that's good.
It means that you did have good/great/memorable times and that is important.
It means that you carried someone close to you and that is necessary.
It hopefully means that you too were loved and that is vital.
It hopefully means you know better for next time and you learned more about yourself, and that is constant.

When it ends littles, nothing is really over forever.

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